Track 10, O A K ℗ © Copyright Pamela Joy Crawford 2004
Broken, lying on the floor.
Raw fragments swirling from before.
They say to stand tall, but I need more.
Is there someone who can scrape me off the floor?
Spoken dreams stuffed back inside.
All that I admired now just seems tired.
Sore open wide but I'm curled up on my side.
Is there someone who'll come looking when I hide?
I need healing, I've nothing to give.
And if you take me on all you'll find is a mess of a mind.
But I've heard that You knew all about my fall.
But this made you love me all the more.
So arms in the dark gathered all the pieces and washed the dirt off and whispered
"Yes I know that you feel less than able to stand, so just rest and I'll take your hand,
just rest and I'll take your hand".
I need healing, I've nothing to give.
And if you take me on all you'll find is a mess of a mind.
But I've heard that You knew all about my fall.
But this made you love me all the more.
Lyrics & Music: Pamela Joy
Assistant Production: Mike Avery, Allan Neuendorf
Guitar: Jayden Lee (electric)
Lead Vocals: Pamela Joy
Visual Art: Rachel CD Marks
The creation of All The More was the most intense song writing experience I've ever had, with the song pouring out as if it had a life of its own. It kept me up through the night, and then woke me up first thing in the morning to finish itself.
It was originally inspired by the story of a person close to me who lost everything, her health, job, the love of her husband, her 'status' and 'identity' as the power woman as she once was. This woman showed me that at her worst and most desperate, God still loved her and kept her in His love on a very personal level, even though she felt too physically and emotionally crippled to offer much to those around her.
The song also went on to be about what God did when He put me back together after years of drug abuse and I felt so messed up I felt I had nothing to offer anybody or anything.
The following verses in the Bible are similar stories in history of God showing deep love in response to people's state of despair - and calling us to cry out for His love while in this state.
Track 11, O A K ℗ © Copyright Pamela Joy Crawford 2004
Save us from this world we're living in
Stop this madness of death
Save us from our blindness to your ways
Save us from this world we're living in
Stop the groanings of loss
Save us from our hard hearts to your ways
I bow before you in need
I've done wrong in thought and deed
For what I've done I should surely die
Save us from this world we're living in
Stop this reign of pain
Save us from our war with your ways
You did no wrong
So you are the only one
Who is able to come into darkness
And carry us out
Save us oh King, save us oh King
Save us oh King, save us...
Lyrics & Music: Pamela Joy
Assistant Production: Mike Avery, Allan Neuendorf
Guitar: Jayden Lee (electric)
Lead Vocals: Pamela Joy
Visual Art: Rachel CD Marks
Save Us is a song of lament that reflects my heart when I see the news and feel the hurt around the world. It is heavily influenced by the Psalms and Sons of Korah, an inspirational band who sing the Psalms. After touring with Sons of Korah, I repeatedly heard the emotional depth of the Psalms and never ceased to be stirred by it.
These writings seem to more accurately reflect people's lives and feelings than anything I've heard elsewhere. They're real and they expose our grief and fear of living in the context of so much pain and tragedy.
But even more than this, an important part of "Save Us" is a complete acceptance of my personal part to play in the mess. It's from this place that I ask, beg, plea with God to help.
The whole of Psalm 7 and 2 Corinthians 6 is important to this song as well as these passages below from the Bible:
Track 12, O A K ℗ © Copyright Pamela Joy Crawford 2010
Lyrics & Music: Pamela Joy
Assistant Production: Mike Avery, Allan Neuendorf
Guitar: Pamela Joy
Bass: Andrew Naylor
Recorders: Hannah Colemen
Lead & Backing Vocals: Pamela Joy
Sequence Arrangements & Programming: Andrew Christie, Allan Neuendorf
Visual Art: Rachel CD Marks
As I Have Loved You (A New Commandment) is about the forgiveness and mercy that I have received in Jesus overflowing to others and a call to the Christian church to be known for our love for one another. It's primarily based on John 13:34-35:
"I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."
but these following passages below from the Bible have also shaped my understanding of how God is calling us to live and made me want to sing these words given to us...
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Track 13, O A K ℗ © Copyright Pamela Joy Crawford 2003
Hannah's Child is both a lament and a song of conviction. It's about giving back to God what He gives, inspired by Hannah and her grief in the book of 1 Samuel in the Bible. Her son, Samuel, was able to do great things in history because Hannah kept her promise and gave him up when all of her instincts as a mother would have been to hang onto him.
History records that Hannah wasn't able to have any children and her female rival teased her, driving her to absolute despair. In the worst of her grief, Hannah went to the temple and poured out her heart to God, begging Him to bless her with a child, a sign of glory in the context of the culture. Hannah promised God that if He would give her a child, then she would give the child back to God for His exclusive service, even to the extent of allowing the child to grow up in the temple, away from home.
The music, the songs, the creativity, my life itself... are all meant to be like Samuel. IF I am blessed with any of these gifts, including my life, it's because God has given it. And I would love to be like Hannah in understanding that these gifts only reach their true potential and purpose if they bring glory to the one who has given them.
The song acknowledges however, that our natural tendency is to hang onto our gifts so I would love to use the song as a constant reminder that the value of all things is in the creator of these things, not the things themselves.
Bible References: 1 Samuel 1:2, 6-8, 10-11, 20, 24, 26-28, 2:1
Elkanah tried to reason with your fears
But Elkanah could not stop your tears
He wanted to be like ten sons 'cause you've none
I've won again this year, Hannah
You're not worthy Hannah, you're not even close to me
I, Peninnah, hold the glory
Who do you think you are Hannah down on your knees?
When it's time to make good, you'll surely freeze
Down in your heart, you'll not part with glory
We'll see about your little promise and desperate plea
You're not worthy Hannah, you're not even close to me
I, Peninnah, hold the glory
Instrumental (Hannah's lament in the temple)
So I see you're well and the Lord gave you Samuel
But your hell will be your sigh when it's time to say good-bye
Naturally, you'll wanna keep your baby
Hannah, will you be brave and give back what the Lord gave?
Hannah, will you be brave?
Hannah, will you be brave?
Lyrics & Music: Pamela Joy
Assistant Production: Mike Avery, Allan Neuendorf
Guitars: Pamela Joy, Rod Gear (classical)
Percussion: Travis Easton, Rod Wilson
Double Bass: Rod Gear
Strings: Greg Hunt
Mandolin: Pamela Joy
Irish Shaw: Pamela Joy
Lead & Backing Vocals: Pamela Joy
Visual Art: Rachel CD Marks
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Track 14, O A K ℗ © Copyright Pamela Joy Crawford 2003
East From West is about the relief in my life when the huge black cloud and heavy burden was lifted from my back. It's based on Psalm 103:10-12 that promises:
"...as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
By the final chorus in "East From West", all the instruments are singing and dancing with each other in a celebration of freedom which is what I have experienced as a Christian!
These passages below from the Bible have also shaped this song:
All of the wrongs I have done, and all of the wrongs I will do
Have been removed from me, buried in the depths of the sea
As far as the East is from West
Is how far You've removed my sin
As far as the East is from West
Is how far You've removed my sin away from me
And now all You see is Jesus in me
Even the worst thing I've done, and even the worst thing I'll do
Has been removed from me, making me want to follow You whole-heartedly
As far as the East is from West
Is how far You've removed my sin
As far as the East is from West
Is how far You've removed my sin away from me
And now all You see is Jesus in me
I'm sorry for what I've done again
And I need You to cover my filthiness with Your righteousness
So all that You see is Jesus in me
As far as the East is from West
Is how far You've removed my sin
As far as the East is from West
Is how far You've removed my sin away from me
And now all You see is Jesus in me
And now all You see is Jesus in me
Lyrics & Music: Pamela Joy
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Pamela Joy grew up in Queensland, Australia, and wrote most of her early music on riverbanks and under the trees without much influence from radio music. This has probably contributed to the unique fusion sound that doesn’t place Pamela’s music in typical genres.
After sending a demo to one of her favourite bands – Middle Eastern influenced folk band, Sons of Korah, their lead singer Matthew Jacoby invited Pamela to tour with them as their support act.
After some great fun touring with this band twice, Pamela wrote “Save Us” after listening to them sing the Psalms night after night on tour. Pamela remains grateful to Spike, Jayden, Rod Gear and Rod Wilson who went on to help her do some recording in Melbourne.
She then toured again with some generous musicians (Russel Bratton, Jocelyn Evans and Joshua Morehead) who came together to help raise money for the work her sister, Ruth Larwill, was doing in Cambodia with women at risk of human rights violations (Bloom Asia).
Pamela Joy now lives in Melbourne and has re-released the songs from the early hannah’s child recording along with her favourite songs from the l’aparela project, this time all in a single album called OAK.
Pamela says that “it has been a privilege to have so many excellent musicians work with me to bring my rough but intense ideas that followed me from the country into the city to life…” In particular, she gives thanks for being able to do recording studio work with the quality likes of Mike Avery (Spike), Rod Gear, Jayden Lee, Rod Wilson, Anne Norman, Gareth Skinner, Robert John Sedky, Jeremy Alsop, Stu Hazelman, Jacob Rissmann, Travis Easton, Paul Jones, Greg Hunt, Penny Frearson, Hannah Coleman, Rod Baker, Andrew Naylor, Andrew Christie and Allan Nuendorf…
Visual ArtThanks and credit also go to Rachel CD Marks for the artwork that features the Scarlett and Sam characters when they appear in videos and on the website.
]]>The following is about how I came to faith, the story of why I stopped being angry at God, in spite of a world that is full of suffering…
At 14 years of age, I began screaming at God in the privacy of my bedroom. I was angry at the world and felt that God wouldn’t talk to me even though I was demanding answers.
This silence infuriated me and I believed God must be a mean spirited God who didn’t care about the violence and starvation in the world, let alone anything personal in my life.
In rage, I set about publicly rejecting Christian ideas and inflicting terrible wounds on my Christian family through my bold and angry attitudes. I started lying to my parents about where I was and ended up getting out of it and defying as many rules as I could at this early age of 14.
Even as young as this, I felt completely determined to do these things, as if I knew all the answers in the world. As each school year went by, I got angrier at the world and focused my anger against God and religion.
When I left school, I became hell-bent on fighting the injustices in society against women, Aboriginal people and minority groups (in principle) believing the rules of power groups such as the church to be the cause of persecution. I became politically passionate through university, throwing myself into student unions, feminism, and general causes that were against anything that was remotely like an “institution of oppression”.
I was so proud. I believed that I was intellectually motivated with noble intentions and I was sure my energy would keep me going. I stormed on, determined to fight against all the unfairness I saw in the world.
Each morning, however, I would wake with a more and more serious internal, philosophical debate about the purpose of the day, the week and my schedule as the world’s cruel systems continued. In restless confusion, I changed degrees but was soon convinced that the University scene and study in general was flawed in its integrity. It seemed there was a theme of ideas that re-occurred across too many subject areas (that weren’t in themselves related) and this felt contrived. I wondered if I was becoming a victim of an imposed world view even if this world view was trying to teach me to challenge imposed world views.
The disenchantment started to mingle with depression and emptiness, and by 20, I was smoking pot more often than I was working constructively toward any world change. I was also indifferent to the goal of working towards a good paying job as it seemed pointless because everybody still hurts and dies and “what was it all for anyway”.
I eventually ran away from University near the end of the degree, disgusted in life in general. I hated the hypocrisy and aggression of politics and I hated the lack of truth and respect in so many situations between people. By 21, I was acid tripping, binge speeding and smoking pot from the moment I woke to the moment I slept.
With the good feelings of the drugs, I didn’t have to fight social injustice or think about dissatisfaction. My mind could be at ease and the world was reconciled simply because it felt good. But as the speed would wear off, the ease faded and the panic of a hazy, crazy world would set back in.
Even though I thought I was cynical, I gravitated towards a career in the social services still trying to reconcile social injustice while living in complete addiction and depression. I achieved management positions at an early age, but in disgust again, (this time because of pointless paperwork and social problems that seemed too big to ever solve), I went into a commercial hospitality business.
Unfortunately, this was very successful and led to a ready supply of cash flow for continuous drug taking. In an attempt to be clearer without drugs, I meditated regularly, white-lighting my environment and merging with spirits that I believed would positively help me. The spirits gave me a sense of power in an ability to supernaturally gain information and to bring events into being with focus.
These times of spirit merging were another form of euphoria while it lasted but invariably left me feeling like a train had run over me.
Dissatisfied with this, I stopped it, but I regularly felt the presence of the spirits anyway. Their presence started to be accompanied by more and more destructive thoughts focusing on fearful and depressive ideas that increasingly led to wanting to die, in spite of a seemingly charmed life with business and boyfriend.
One messy night, I crossed the line and was going to commit suicide. I thought I couldn’t cope with one more hour of such restless, inner panic. At the point of decision, the thought of Jesus cut through my mind.
Even though I had been taught as a child that Jesus was God (who loved me), the idea surrounding Jesus and the cross just seemed absurd to me. But I acknowledged that it was the one concept that I had not been open to in terms of making sense of the world. All I had done was aggressively dismiss church and ranted against the Bible because of its seemingly bigoted nature regarding women and socially marginalised groups and its seeming irrelevance to my world.
But now that the alternative was death, the following thought spilled out through my distress, “Jesus, I don’t understand who you are or what the cross thing is. But I need help. Please help or I’m killing myself”. This was the first moment that I stopped shaking my fist at the universe long enough to open myself up to the possibility there could be answers and help beyond my own intelligence.
Having called on the name of Jesus, he fully answered my first sign of genuine curiosity about him. I was soothed out of that dangerous night and led eventually to one of my sisters, who along with others had been trying to share Jesus with me for years. I was now ready to ask questions and actually listen to the answers.
For the next few months I met with her and others from her church and flung all my reservations about Christianity in a barrage of questions to them. I listened to their answers as they explained why they believed Jesus was God and why the Bible could be trusted. Even though my stony heart was still a force of habit, I could feel the pounding inside me start to slow down as passages in the Bible started leaping out at me in their beauty. Things just started to make resting sense.
Rather than causing oppression, the words of the Bible commanded a kind of selflessness that seemed different than the Mystic principles I had been dabbling in. I started to see the Bible as brilliant because it showed a plan that has been going on all through history where justice and love can both happen at the same time because of what Jesus did through his life and death.
My face visibly relaxed from its tense sternness and started smiling. My internal war against everything lost its rage and I started feeling joy and rest as I accepted God’s word in Jesus.
Some days in this early time of change I would look at myself as if looking inside my body and would be startled by what was happening to me from the very most core of me. I started to feel sick at the ugliness of most of the words coming out of my mouth and I started to want different things.
The best part of the change was the way that reason started to come back. My drug-affected brain had gotten so messy that people had stopped making sense to me in any sphere, and I was panicking that there was no real meaning or semblance of anyone truly connecting or understanding one another.
But it was like God’s hands reached inside my mind and sewed the fragments back together and breathed life into me.
As I studied more, I began to believe with more and more certainty that Jesus can be described as the Living Word because he is the expression of God’s love and truth on earth. I believe that he can give us life because he is the only person ever recorded in history to rise from the dead.
I believe that all the evidence points to him being God and that my only hope for peace and eternal life, is to have Jesus stand in front of me, so that God the Father sees only the perfect life of Jesus on earth, and not my imperfections, when he acts in justice against evil. I believe this is why Jesus lived, and all I need to do is accept and believe in him for my soul to be able to live forever with God.
Since I have been sorry for my arrogance and accepted Jesus in this way, I have never felt alone. He lives inside me and gives me peace at such a deep level that I have learnt to trust him even when things seem like they’re not going ‘well’. His daily wisdom and comfort are worth more than ANYTHING anybody could ever offer. It’s beautiful.
It has been a process working out where my previous beliefs fit in. I now believe that un-tempered selfishness oppresses all humankind, and that this, not the Bible, is responsible for oppressing women. Rather than requiring women to passively submit to men, the Living Word requires all people to be actively gracious, submitting to one another in love and softness of heart, rather than indulgent promotion of self-seeking rights at the expense of those around us.
I believe that wars and conflict, are therefore not caused by Christianity, but rather, by the impulse to ignore God’s word.
Looking back on my life, I can see how the ideas that seemed so right to me once, now seem so destructive. My choices ended up hurting others and myself deeply, and usually led to more anger, rather than resolution. This pain, combined with the faithfulness that God, through the Living Word has shown me, has caused me to be open to the idea that there is wrong and right in a reality beyond my experience. I accept more and more, my finiteness and God’s infiniteness; and amazingly, this is a good thing.
Life still has its challenges, as I believe it will for the rest of my life on earth. But I have hope now, and a reason to live and look forward. And I have the Holy Spirit as a gift from God to comfort me and change me from my past and more into the beauty of Jesus.